If Hollywood Made a Movie About Your Life

Here’s who producers would cast in a Hollywood movie about your existence.

YOU — Justin Long

In real life: You live a typical, unremarkable college existence of regular partying mixed in with the occasional class.

In the movie: You face untold hardships from evil professors and plotting socialites on your quest to get the girl/get an A/graduate.

Justin Long is just like you. He wasn’t the prom king, he wasn’t the high school quarterback — He’s a Mac. Do you love Macs? Point proven.

YOUR SLOB ROOMMATE — Jonah Hill

In real life: Smells really bad, plays World of Warcraft all day surrounded by a virtual landfill of take-out containers, Cheetos bags, and empty cans of Mountain Dew.

In the movie: Surprisingly charming and philosophical, he turns out to be a professional-grade computer hacker that will break into the school’s mainframe in the time it takes to microwave a pizza pocket in order to help you dig up some dirt on your enemies or change your sociology mark.

Although this is the obvious choice for the role, I can’t think of anybody that would be a better fit for this type of character than Jonah Hill. He definitely has the look going for him and everything he’s in is a whole lot funnier than it would have been otherwise.

YOUR LOVING PARENTS — Ed Begley Jr. and Patricia Heaton

In real life: Light up your answering machine with messages telling you to call home.

In the movie: Will no doubt embarass you at every turn by asking if you’ve started, “smoking the pot”. Begley gets a $50,000 bonus if he’s willing to say, “You’re killing your mother”.

Ed Begley Jr. easily snags this role after a hilarious turn as the father of Seth Rogen’s girlfriend in Pineapple Express. Patricia Heaton was enough of a bitch on Everybody Loves Raymond to make this a no-brainer.

YOUR AWESOME PROFESSOR — Paul Rudd

In real life: You feel a superficial connection to him because he is funny and cool and tells you interesting stories about his life. When you say hello to him downtown he has no idea who you are because he teaches a class with 500 students in it.

In the movie: He is your friend and mentor, introducing you to all academia has to offer (including sweet indie music and badass Kurosawa films), will ultimately do his best to pull strings in the administration to keep the evil professor from ruining your dreams.

This is the easiest pick of the whole bunch. Paul Rudd is so good at being the laidback, super cool older dude that he has been entirely typecast (see the upcoming Role Models for proof). An honorable mention here would be Keanu Reeves, who played basically this exact character (except he was a dentist) in the movie Thumbsucker.

YOUR EVIL PROFESSOR — Ben Kinglsey

In real life: You probably didn’t study hard enough but instead chose to blame the professor for the fact that you got a shitty mark on your final (even though he only knows you as a 7-digit number). He goes home and has dinner with his wife and kids.

In the movie: He exists solely to undermine your efforts and feeds on your discontent. Spends the whole running time smugly commenting on how you’re never going to do well on his class. He goes home and uses his leisure time to brainstorm ways to keep 19 year old freshmen from getting an A in Calc I.

Kingsley is a great actor who has had the misfortune of starring in several terrible films in recent years. Still I think he would be a great fit as an over-the-top sinister prof hellbent on destroying his students’ academic careers.

YOUR CAMPUS RIVAL — Chad Michael Murray

In real life: Some guy on your floor that you find really annoying because he quotes Napoleon Dynamite all day.

In the movie: He is the snake to your mongoose. The Sauron to your Frodo. The Gary Oak to your Ash Ketchum. He’s beating you in Biology, he’s dating your longtime crush, and to top it all off you know he’s getting the last slice of pizza in the cafeteria. Like the evil professor, he spends most of his time trying to organize grand plans to make your life a living hell.

Sorry, Chad, but you have a smug and rich look about you that makes you the perfect villain in this story.

THE HELPFUL BUT CREEPY JANITOR — Will Ferrell

In real life: You talk to him once when you need directions to your lecture hall.

In the movie: Whenever you have a sensitive problem you can always come to this guy for some useful but ultimately off-putting help. Has incredible wisdom and insight despite his third grade education.

Although his last couple of movies have been pretty bad, Will Ferrell has shown that he is perfect for this creepy mentor type of role with his spot-on cameo as Chaz, a middle-aged pickup artist, in Wedding Crashers. Can’t you just imagine him telling you what to do about your lady problems while he buffs the floor in his navy coveralls?

THAT GUY YOU SEE EVERYWHERE BUT HAVE NEVER TALKED TO — William Fichtner

In real life: This is the guy you always see around campus but have never ever had a conversation with. None of your friends seem to know who he is either but they all recognize him when they see him.

In the movie: Basically the same thing, but he will come back at the end of the movie to unexpectedly save the day by shaming your rival (see: Billy Madison).

William Fichtner is perfect for this role because he is “that guy” in the movie industry. Although he’s been in dozens of big movies (most recently The Dark Knight), most people still couldn’t tell you his name. Plus he’s just creepy enough to give off the sinister aura that this mysterious figure must possess.

YOUR LOVE INTEREST — ???

Hit me up in the comments to tell me who should play your love interest in this story. Elisha Cuthbert? Jessica Biel? Betty White?