Step 1: Find out the dates of the midterm and final then mark them on your brand new dry-erase calendar (don’t forget to circle them in red!) and highlight them in your syllabus just to show yourself how prepared you are. This year is going to be different — this year, you’re going to study!

Step 2: Spend the next 3 months in a drunken stupor. Forget about the class until two days before the exam.

Step 3: Oh shit

Step 4: Check out the course website to see how much the exam is worth.

Step 5: Oh shit, that’s a lot

Step 6: Formulate unrealistic expectations about how much you’re going to study in the next 48 hours. My personal favorite is to claim that missing class was no big deal because I’m just gonna read the entire 500+ page textbook in one night to get me up to speed.

Step 7: Spend an hour or two looking at the course website to find out what’s actually being tested. Make up a detailed study guide that budgets your time accordingly. Take a 45 minute break to reward yourself for being so productive.

Step 8: All right, let’s do this! Study the earliest material with a thirst for learning that would shame even Einstein. Spend two hours digesting every minute piece of information from the first lecture and be sure to make detailed study notes and practice questions for yourself. This is going to be a piece of cake!

Step 9: Watch your resolve slowly slip away. Make an elaborate snack. When your friends ask you why you’re not cramming even though your exam is tomorrow, tell them how easy the course is and that you’re just getting some “study fuel”.

Step 10: Come back and take a look at the next month’s work of course material. As your discipline slips, take less and less notes and stumble around Wikipedia seeing how fast you can get to the article on Adolf Hitler from the Functional Genomics page only by clicking embedded links.

Step 11: Completely ignore the last 2 weeks of class material. After all, that’s fresh in your memory.

Step 12: Once you finally reach the end of your required reading (many, many hours later) begin the lengthy rationalization process (for best results, this should be done in “study” groups).

Step 11: Rationalize not studying more because you’ve already looked at everything.

Step 12: Rationalize not studying more because it’s an easy course.

Step 13: Rationalize not studying more because you’re a shining diamond of intelligence compared to the other neophytes in your class and if you do badly, EVERYONE will do badly.

Step 14: Rationalize not studying more because it’s not worth that much anyway.

Step 15: When your friends invite you out to do something, say you have to study for your exam. Instead, watch 4 hours of Flight of the Conchords on SurfTheChannel.

Step 16: On the eve of the exam, repent your sloth-like laziness before you go to sleep and vow to wake up early to study some more.

Step 17: Snooze your alarm a couple times. The exam isn’t until 1:30 anyway.

Step 18: Waste your time on mundane details only vaguely related to the exam. Tried and true winners include spending 2 hours trying to find a #2 pencil for your Scantron sheet and trying to guess what the bonus question will be based on jokes the prof has made in class.

Step 19: Walk to your exam room full of false confidence. Meet up with your friends while you wait outside. Repeat rationalization process (steps 11-14).

Step 20: Write the exam.

Step 21: Holy shit

Step 22: Hand in the exam and kick yourself for not studying enough. Resolve to ace every exam from here on out.

Step 23: Receive mark of C+. Shrug your shoulders and say, “Eh, coulda been worse”.

Step 24: Repeat steps 1-23 forty times between freshman and senior year.

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1. Your family only visits you twice a year.

2. You live for months in a 10×10 room with someone you barely know who you fear might kill you while you sleep.

3. You always talk about what life will be like once you’re out.

4. You get excited when the cafeteria serves you something resembling real food.

5. You take classes that are completely useless to you in the real world.

6. Everyone around you is an amateur philosopher or poet (or coke dealer).

7. You’re looked at as a scourge on the community.

8. Beer is more valuable than money.

9. Riots are a usual occurence.

10. You try to make friends that can help you ‘on the outside’.

11. You only go outside for an hour a day.

And of course…

12. If you go in unprepared you’re probably going to get f*cked in the ass.

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1. Tobias Funke/Member of Blue Man Group/Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen

2. Tetris — the more the merrier.

3. Your favorite liquor bottle

4. Ash Ketchum. I promise you this one would fucking kill. Get some friends to go as various Pokemon and have them get wrecked and fight each other all night. It doesn’t even have to be on Halloween to be awesome.

5. Mortal Kombat

6. Zombie John McCain

7. A LOLcat. Honestly I don’t even know how you’d do this but they’re just so darned cute.

8. Rick Astley, soon to be winner of MTV Europe’s Greatest Act Ever.

9. Suicidal Wall Street Investor

10. Andy Samberg from Space Olympics.

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PS. Check out http://voteforenvironment.ca if you’re interested in seeing who you should practically vote for if climate change is your #1 issue.

PPS. Leave a comment to let me know which party you support and after the election I might whip up some stats to compare CSS readers with the general population. I have a suspicion that some things will be very different!

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1. Laundry

One place where a lot of idiots lose money is laundry. Personally I think you can wear a shirt at least a dozen times before you need to hose it down or at least wear it in the rain, but most of you spoiled sons-of-bitches do laundry as often as once a week. Here’s some street smarts for you, if you have to wash your clothes, don’t bother drying them. If you just put them on right out of the washing machine, you save money on utilities and deodorant because you smell like Bounty all day. You smell like Bounty and people are gonna give you change.

2. Alcohol

Here’s a little known fact for you college folks: alcohol is made of fermented sugar. You know what has a lot of sugar? Kool-Aid. Here’s Bruce’s Hobo Wine recipe:

• As many packages of Kool-Aid as you can buy with the change in your hat
• 1 empty water bottle stolen from the trash

Now you just fill up that bottle with water from the Starbucks bathroom, throw in the Kool-Aid, shake it up, and leave it out in the sun for a week or two and you have yourself a juicy bottle of 50 proof firewater. Here’s a quick tip — if someone finds out where you’re stashing your bottles, you need to f*** them up real good to set an example for the rest of the community. If you don’t, your bottles will be stolen faster than Ryan Seacrest’s anal virginity at a federal prison.

3. Internet

My buddy Gordo tells me that about 91% of all internet use is pornography related. Here’s an easy one that I just pulled off the top of my head, stop looking at the dirty videos and lower your internet plan to the cheapest one they have. Now go rub one out in the sperm bank so at least you can get some money for your seed. Unfortunately I don’t qualify as a donor so I’ll be expecting a 15% kickback for coming up with the idea or I’m gonna burn down your house while you sleep.

4. Trash Baths

This one is real simple. I know all you wealthy suburbanites love to take hot showers but some of us have smack habits to feed and can’t afford to waste all that money. What you do is figure out when trash day is in each part of the city. Then, on a rainy morning, go to that area and look for some upright garbage cans. Pour all the collected water from those into the nicest looking one, strip down, and jump in. If you’re real quick you can usually get at least 10 or 15 seconds before someone comes after you.

5. Just steal shit

Seriously. I won’t tell.

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YOU — Justin Long

In real life: You live a typical, unremarkable college existence of regular partying mixed in with the occasional class.

In the movie: You face untold hardships from evil professors and plotting socialites on your quest to get the girl/get an A/graduate.

Justin Long is just like you. He wasn’t the prom king, he wasn’t the high school quarterback — He’s a Mac. Do you love Macs? Point proven.

YOUR SLOB ROOMMATE — Jonah Hill

In real life: Smells really bad, plays World of Warcraft all day surrounded by a virtual landfill of take-out containers, Cheetos bags, and empty cans of Mountain Dew.

In the movie: Surprisingly charming and philosophical, he turns out to be a professional-grade computer hacker that will break into the school’s mainframe in the time it takes to microwave a pizza pocket in order to help you dig up some dirt on your enemies or change your sociology mark.

Although this is the obvious choice for the role, I can’t think of anybody that would be a better fit for this type of character than Jonah Hill. He definitely has the look going for him and everything he’s in is a whole lot funnier than it would have been otherwise.

YOUR LOVING PARENTS — Ed Begley Jr. and Patricia Heaton

In real life: Light up your answering machine with messages telling you to call home.

In the movie: Will no doubt embarass you at every turn by asking if you’ve started, “smoking the pot”. Begley gets a $50,000 bonus if he’s willing to say, “You’re killing your mother”.

Ed Begley Jr. easily snags this role after a hilarious turn as the father of Seth Rogen’s girlfriend in Pineapple Express. Patricia Heaton was enough of a bitch on Everybody Loves Raymond to make this a no-brainer.

YOUR AWESOME PROFESSOR — Paul Rudd

In real life: You feel a superficial connection to him because he is funny and cool and tells you interesting stories about his life. When you say hello to him downtown he has no idea who you are because he teaches a class with 500 students in it.

In the movie: He is your friend and mentor, introducing you to all academia has to offer (including sweet indie music and badass Kurosawa films), will ultimately do his best to pull strings in the administration to keep the evil professor from ruining your dreams.

This is the easiest pick of the whole bunch. Paul Rudd is so good at being the laidback, super cool older dude that he has been entirely typecast (see the upcoming Role Models for proof). An honorable mention here would be Keanu Reeves, who played basically this exact character (except he was a dentist) in the movie Thumbsucker.

YOUR EVIL PROFESSOR — Ben Kinglsey

In real life: You probably didn’t study hard enough but instead chose to blame the professor for the fact that you got a shitty mark on your final (even though he only knows you as a 7-digit number). He goes home and has dinner with his wife and kids.

In the movie: He exists solely to undermine your efforts and feeds on your discontent. Spends the whole running time smugly commenting on how you’re never going to do well on his class. He goes home and uses his leisure time to brainstorm ways to keep 19 year old freshmen from getting an A in Calc I.

Kingsley is a great actor who has had the misfortune of starring in several terrible films in recent years. Still I think he would be a great fit as an over-the-top sinister prof hellbent on destroying his students’ academic careers.

YOUR CAMPUS RIVAL — Chad Michael Murray

In real life: Some guy on your floor that you find really annoying because he quotes Napoleon Dynamite all day.

In the movie: He is the snake to your mongoose. The Sauron to your Frodo. The Gary Oak to your Ash Ketchum. He’s beating you in Biology, he’s dating your longtime crush, and to top it all off you know he’s getting the last slice of pizza in the cafeteria. Like the evil professor, he spends most of his time trying to organize grand plans to make your life a living hell.

Sorry, Chad, but you have a smug and rich look about you that makes you the perfect villain in this story.

THE HELPFUL BUT CREEPY JANITOR — Will Ferrell

In real life: You talk to him once when you need directions to your lecture hall.

In the movie: Whenever you have a sensitive problem you can always come to this guy for some useful but ultimately off-putting help. Has incredible wisdom and insight despite his third grade education.

Although his last couple of movies have been pretty bad, Will Ferrell has shown that he is perfect for this creepy mentor type of role with his spot-on cameo as Chaz, a middle-aged pickup artist, in Wedding Crashers. Can’t you just imagine him telling you what to do about your lady problems while he buffs the floor in his navy coveralls?

THAT GUY YOU SEE EVERYWHERE BUT HAVE NEVER TALKED TO — William Fichtner

In real life: This is the guy you always see around campus but have never ever had a conversation with. None of your friends seem to know who he is either but they all recognize him when they see him.

In the movie: Basically the same thing, but he will come back at the end of the movie to unexpectedly save the day by shaming your rival (see: Billy Madison).

William Fichtner is perfect for this role because he is “that guy” in the movie industry. Although he’s been in dozens of big movies (most recently The Dark Knight), most people still couldn’t tell you his name. Plus he’s just creepy enough to give off the sinister aura that this mysterious figure must possess.

YOUR LOVE INTEREST — ???

Hit me up in the comments to tell me who should play your love interest in this story. Elisha Cuthbert? Jessica Biel? Betty White?

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According to my calendar, the Nov.4 U.S. Presidential Election happens to fall on a Tuesday this year. My friends would tell you guys that I would never advocate drinking on a Tuesday but since this is a special occasion I think I can make an exception just this once. In the name of truth, justice, and the American way, here’s a game that gives you an excuse to get totally sloshed while still feeling like a dutiful citizen.

You Will Need

A political affiliation, TV/Webcast with live election results, several hours, and lots and lots of alcohol.

The Rules

Everyone participating must pick one of the major candidates to cheer for (I don’t care how much you love Ron Paul, embrace someone else in the spirit of good cheer). Every time the news announces that your candidate has won a state, take a big swig of your drink. If they mention that it’s a ‘battleground’, ‘key’, or ’swing’ state, take another one. Any time the anchor has to eat crow and announce that a state has gone the opposite way that they predicted, those supporting the new predicted winner must take 3 drinks.

If your candidate wins, get totally wrecked to celebrate 4 years of your ideology prevailing over your friends’!

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Throughout my university career I have struggled to come up with a drinking game to accompany our favorite video game: Super Smash Bros. Though the series has come a long way in the last decade or so, throughout all of my searching (and believe me, I’ve done a lot), I have yet to come across a good variation of a drinking game that combines the right mix of drinking and brawling without destroying the fun and fast pace of the game. I have finally cracked the code to this alcoholic enigma machine and I’m happy to share the secret with you guys.

You Will Need…

A copy of Super Smash Bros Brawl. for the Wii, 2-4 controllers, and a plethora of beer or mixed drinks.

The Rules

It’s very simple — every time your opponent completes a taunt, you take a drink. If you’re in a four player match, you take a drink for every taunt the person who KO’d you can do between the time you die and the time you come back.

Possible Strategies

Although this rule might seem overly simplistic, it actually adds a lot of depth to the game. How about an all-ice match where you can get off a handful of taunts while your opponent is frozen? Same goes for pitfalls. And the key question of course: do you play to maximize opponent drinks or to win the game? The opportunities are endless!

Enjoy and give me some feedback when you try it out!

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Ranging from the classic to the ultra-modern, here’s the 20 games every college student needs to make their collection complete.

NOSTALGIA

These games make the cut because of the sheer impact they had on you when you were a kid. In college, what’s old is new again, and although these might not be the best games to break out when you want to get drunk and crazy (though I’d be interested to see how that turned out), these are perfect for enjoying on a lazy Sunday with a few friends there to point out all the secrets they know that you don’t.

Super Mario Bros. (NES)

This game (and series) are so ingrained in our culture that even the theme song is something of a landmark. Put this on and no one in the room will be able to resist taking a turn. The ultimate pick-up-and-play game.

Super Mario Bros. 3 (NES)

Super Mario Bros. 3 is by most accounts the greatest platforming game ever made. It’s been ages since it came out but it’s still as rewarding (and challenging!) as it was when you were 6 years old. Here’s a bit of an embarassing fact — I actually just found out how to get the warp whistles this year.

Donkey Kong Country (SNES)

When I was a kid, Donkey Kong Country was the pinnacle of graphical technology. I was played through DKC again this year through the Wii’s Virtual Console and loved every minute of it. Nothing beats those old school mine cart levels!

Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (Genesis)

Having not owned a Genesis as a kid I needed to ask the help of my friend to explain why Sonic 2 is such a definitive gaming experience. His response was pretty definitive: “mostly because of the chemical plant and tails being a big retard”.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64)

Even just seeing the title screen reminds me of eating Frosted Flakes on my parents’ couch after getting back from school. This is the game that EVERYONE played back in the day so if you get stuck (like I do on Jabu Jabu’s Belly, every single time) someone will be quick to point out how big of an idiot you are for not remembering the puzzle.

Super Mario 64 (N64)

There’s nothing to say about Super Mario 64 that hasn’t been said already. For my money this is the best 3D platformer that has ever been released and the Bowser fights are the stuff of greatness.

RETRO MULTIPLAYER

These are the games that you and your friends used to bust out on sleepovers. Now these are the games you play when you want to school your roommates and satisfy your inner child’s massive ego.

Mario Kart 64 (N64)

There are newer versions of Mario Kart, but the N64 version has the perfect mix of classic quality and accessibility. Due to the array of heinous items even newbies have the ability to be competitive with more seasoned veterans, and there are enough great courses to keep you busy for weeks. Plus there’s no better way to settle who’s going to do the dishes than a 150cc Star Cup match.

Goldeneye (N64)

Despite the fact that Goldeneye has aged terribly and is almost unplayable by modern FPS standards, it still has a certain retro appeal that makes it irresistible. Everyone and their dog owned this game so don’t be surprised if you get schooled.

Halo (Xbox)

It makes me feel old to be calling Halo ‘retro’ but I guess it has actually been 7 long years since it first came out. I still remember the excitement and novelty of getting me and two buddies in a warthog and tearing ass down the beaches while mowing down the Covenant. The original gets the nod over the sequels because it was the classic console LAN party game.

Mario Party (N64)

Anyone else still have a scar on their palms from that game where you had to rotate the stick super fast? Argghhhh…

ON THE NEXT PAGE: LAN Party favorites and modern day classics

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