Bruce The Homeless Man Presents 5 Ways To Save Money This Holiday Season

1. Laundry

One place where a lot of idiots lose money is laundry. Personally I think you can wear a shirt at least a dozen times before you need to hose it down or at least wear it in the rain, but most of you spoiled sons-of-bitches do laundry as often as once a week. Here’s some street smarts for you, if you have to wash your clothes, don’t bother drying them. If you just put them on right out of the washing machine, you save money on utilities and deodorant because you smell like Bounty all day. You smell like Bounty and people are gonna give you change.

2. Alcohol

Here’s a little known fact for you college folks: alcohol is made of fermented sugar. You know what has a lot of sugar? Kool-Aid. Here’s Bruce’s Hobo Wine recipe:

• As many packages of Kool-Aid as you can buy with the change in your hat
• 1 empty water bottle stolen from the trash

Now you just fill up that bottle with water from the Starbucks bathroom, throw in the Kool-Aid, shake it up, and leave it out in the sun for a week or two and you have yourself a juicy bottle of 50 proof firewater. Here’s a quick tip — if someone finds out where you’re stashing your bottles, you need to f*** them up real good to set an example for the rest of the community. If you don’t, your bottles will be stolen faster than Ryan Seacrest’s anal virginity at a federal prison.

3. Internet

My buddy Gordo tells me that about 91% of all internet use is pornography related. Here’s an easy one that I just pulled off the top of my head, stop looking at the dirty videos and lower your internet plan to the cheapest one they have. Now go rub one out in the sperm bank so at least you can get some money for your seed. Unfortunately I don’t qualify as a donor so I’ll be expecting a 15% kickback for coming up with the idea or I’m gonna burn down your house while you sleep.

4. Trash Baths

This one is real simple. I know all you wealthy suburbanites love to take hot showers but some of us have smack habits to feed and can’t afford to waste all that money. What you do is figure out when trash day is in each part of the city. Then, on a rainy morning, go to that area and look for some upright garbage cans. Pour all the collected water from those into the nicest looking one, strip down, and jump in. If you’re real quick you can usually get at least 10 or 15 seconds before someone comes after you.

5. Just steal shit

Seriously. I won’t tell.