Beer: The Only Safe Investment

When a market is teetering on collapse, like it is now, there is only one safe bet for where you should put your money: beer. According to my grandfather, when he was a boy you could buy a six-pack of beer for only a quarter. Imagine his chagrin when I told him that six-packs now cost around $10 — If he had only had the foresight to put his allowance towards stockpiling thousands and thousands of bottles, his return-on-investment would be a staggering 4000%!

Acclaimed college market analysts all preach that beer is the only resource on Earth that will never lose its value. In many ways, it is a miraculous phenomenon that exists alone in the usually volatile business world. It exhibits absolutely no depreciation and sometimes even grows in value as it ages. Even in times when demand is almost non-existent, such as midterms or finals week, beer can easily be sold to almost anyone for the price you paid for it. However, when supply shrinks, and demand and inebriation rise, its value skyrockets. Oftentimes shrewd traders are able to unload extra beer at up to double what they paid for it. People may exclaim, “$2 for a Natty Ice? That’s robbery!” but these people clearly do not understand how to do business in a bear market.

Additionally, most people don’t know this but beer is one of the only commodities on the market that can actually provide human beings with nourishment. When the arable land on Earth inevitably turns into barren desert and a bag of Doritos costs $500, beer owners will be sitting on a virtual goldmine while people who actually own real gold will be desperately trying to find a way to eat it. Oil might be valuable now, but is it going to help you score with sorority chicks. S*** no! (Unless you live in Saudi Arabia.)

Finally, if you’re still not convinced that you should throw all your money behind beer, consider this. When the U.S. National Debt finally crosses $10T this year, and more and more big businesses ask for government bailouts, and the stock market crashes, at least you’ll be able to crack open a cold one and say, “F*** it” while the country implodes around you.

Hell, it’ll probably be worth even more then.